Changes over the last week.

Last week, went from bad to amazing.  DH finally decided to get his sperm analysis done.  Only with me pushing him to do it.  Talk about awkward.  Having to come home from work to have him "do his business" in a cup then carry it around town.  It was definitely a first for our relationship.  Once I dropped off the sample at the lab, I was told the results would be ready in 3 hours.  When I called, the doctor was out and I would have to wait until the next day.

This night was the first time I have been glad DH works evening shift.  I sat at home and watched random shows, all of which included a pregnancy or newborn story line, and cried all evening.  I cried for two reasons.  The first, I just knew something was wrong with him and once it was confirmed he would give up the idea of having a child.  Number two, was if I was wrong I would blame myself for all our struggles.  Though in between the crying I did have to finish packing for my bestie trip.

The next day was another day full of emotion as I waited for the doctor to call but tried to act normal for S while driving the 8 hours to the beach. Finally at noon they called. Turns out DH was normal!!  Great news, except the blame game started. Since that day I have blamed myself over and over again for our problems.  I should have lost the weight, I should have tracked my temps better, I should have done so many things differently to not be in this place. DH has been extremely supportive and not once blamed me. The good news is I start Clomid next cycle. Fingers crossed I don't have to get the prescription filled. 

To keep my mind off of the fertility issues, the beach trip was amazing. The weather was a little crappy but alone time with S was great. I was never lucky enough to have a sister. Well, until I found her. She is truly my sister and the person I turn to for everything. 

Baby Fever

Today I am filled with mixed emotions.  A girl I grew up with is having a baby.  I am over the moon happy for her, but it brings me back to the realization that I am not pregnant. 

The hubby and I have been married for over 2 years now and struggled with conceiving for 21 months.  When you are in our situation of over 30 this deems us "infertile."  This is something I am really having a hard time with.  I had a plan and now my plan is no more.  Over the last 2 years, we have went from dying to have children to not wanting them to dying to have them again.  I have never not wanted them but my husband feels like it is too hard to keep trying.  While I agree with him on the fact it is hard, I also want to keep trying.  He promised he would try harder this month.  Since this month just started, we will see in two weeks how hard he tries. 

This has been the main cause of arguments in our household.  Mainly, because we can't communicate well on this topic.  Neither of us understand the need of the other.  We have been doing better with this.  We have taken the steps to begin fertility testing.  He is up first, fingers crossed everything is good and we have just had bad timing.  But whatever the doctors tell us, I will be ok with it.  At least I hope so. 

We have talked about adoption on several occasions as well.  It is just sad how much it costs.  At least with pregnancy, insurance covers some. 

But today is a happy day for my friend and her family.  I wish them the best for a safe, healthy delivery.

Ugh...

Things were going so well last week.  I was down  at my weigh in! And on Saturday completed the Color Vibe!  I felt like I had a decent time even though I walked the entire thing.  I am guess around 46 to 47 minutes, the race wasn't timed.  And my Mountaineers pulled off a huge upset.  I really felt like I was getting in a routine and enjoying myself.

Then....Monday happened.  I have never felt that bad in my life.  I had a killer headache and upset stomach.  And it didn't stop with Monday.  Tuesday, I actually ate and felt a little better.  Today is the first day I feel somewhat like myself again. 

I am trying to tell myself, it is ok that I didn't exercise this week and didn't stay on plan.  I was sick and just wanted to feel better.  Today is a new day.  Even though I gained 0.8 lbs this week, I will take it and move on.  Can't wait to get out of work and go walking this evening.